With the new year upon us, I was thinking about the last few years and everything that has happened.
When I stopped to actually reflect on everything, I guess it’s no wonder I’ve aged 10 years in the last 3.
2022, April: Mom dies
2022, June: Move houses, again
2022, October: House floods in two rooms due to broken pipe
2022, October-November: House renovations to fix flooding damage
2022, November: Wife has major surgery, 9 months recovery
2022, December (or possibly January?): Ruptured my Achilles
2023, February: Dad diagnosed with stage 3/4 pancreatic cancer
2023, April: First trip to move dad’s things, with ruptured Achilles
2023, August: Passed first kidney stone
2023, September: Dad has serious stroke
2023, October: Dad dies while I am out visiting
2024, March: Creepy (the cat) dies from complications of heart disease
2024, March: Smokey/Boyfriend (the cat) dies from complications from FELV (feline leukemia)
2024, April: Obie (the cat) dies from old age/dental health related malnourishment
2024, May: Acquired kittens from a woman who rescued a pregnant stray (Apollo and Artemis)
2024, September: Torn MCL
2024, December: Passed kidney stone 50% larger than the first one
2025, January: Doctor’s appointments to resolve the remaining 14mm stone in my kidney.
Is this just what being an adult is like? Is this normal?
It certainly doesn’t FEEL normal, this feels fucked up and chaotic. But there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is just hold on and keep moving forward.
I can’t help but feel a bit like Job, but at the same I’m scared to say that, as though I’m egging on more punishment. What is the purpose of all this suffering? I’ve maintained for decades that all suffering can be turned into some useful purpose in some fashion or another, it can always be fodder for growth or improvement but like… can we turn off the fuckin’ valve for a bit here? I’ve got plenty, now, thanks. No more suffering is needed to ensure I learn whatever it is I am meant to learn or to… distill me into whatever pressure-hardened diamond-like structure I’m meant to become.
God or fate or karma or whatever is out there, I know I spent at least about 15 years being a deranged shithead with low-impulse control, but I’ve spent the better part of at least a decade now (if not longer) trying to be the kind of person I might actually be proud of being, if I could ever muster the self-esteem to reflect upon myself objectively.
I’m sure I’ve got my share of suffering out there coming my way and likely at least some of that I’ve earned, but… I mean… spread it out a little. Or what, is this a hint y’all don’t have that much longer to make sure I get what I’m due?
If whatever forces that be could just… take a break on this shit for a little while, it seems to me that there’s a whole lot of truly depraved evil out there in the world that by and large doesn’t see much in the way of consequences for their bad behavior, so while I appreciate that I’ve got to get my “due” sooner or later for being a heel in my adolescence and young adulthood, I think I’m pretty well topped off on suffering for at least a few years, and I can think of some billionaires who are probably much longer overdue than I’ve been.
After all, let’s not forget that I am a masochist at heart, and if I go long enough without suffering in one form or another I’ll likely find a way to incur some more without any help from anyone else, so if the concern is that I won’t suffer enough, I’m pretty sure I’ve got that covered.
Anyway.
This wasn’t meant to be a pity party and that’s what this is becoming.
But let’s hope maybe 2025 we can start to… maybe ease off of the crises for a while? I won’t be holding my breath, but I’d love a little break from all of this shit. Or a long one.
If you are reading this, I’m sure you’ve had your own share of suffering. Maybe it was as much as or even more than mine. Maybe it wasn’t. If it was, I hope you get rest soon, and I hope you can find something from your experiences that makes it not merely suffering in vain, but suffering that leads to SOMETHING better in the end. And if it wasn’t, I just hope that you could find and appreciate beauty during this time of peace for you–times will not always be so easy but it’s important to exercise gratitude when we are able to.
Even in pain and difficulty, life is a beautiful gift, and it is always too short.
I hope you’re all well, go out and make something.
-E